back to basics

yesterday was one of the most crucial days of my entire existence, yes, it was judgment day.

the judgment wasn't so in my favor.. well, entirely not. it did question everything that ive doing in my life.. my decisions, my plans, my dreams, my future that i look forward to. it did and will change the course of my life because what is expected is now, impossible.

it did question my relationship with myself.. myself that i only am starting to enjoy again. myself that i just started trusting and believing again. myself that have just finished a year-long task to recover. myself that i often cursed in the past but i have forgiven because i have no other else but her.

it did question my relationship with Bossing. just as i was starting to reconcile with Him, this lifetime challenge is presented into my presence.

i wanted to summon him to come and talk to me face-to-face because if this was His way of giving me punishment, i will negotiate with Him for this not to happen. but id like to believe i still trust Him enough that everything, as they have always been, will be soon, OK.

this is isn't easy. it entails all... and i mean ALL of who I AM to get through this. i have to start to accept this plight, and moreso, i have to accept the person that i am.

and this is one of those times that i wished i've chosen the medical path... so that i will find a way no matter how hard it would be. and that my environment would better understand my position. i wished i had been patient with Science, so it would help me solve this.

now im back to basics, and lost.