when things aren't easily accepted

i've been re-watching seasons 1 and 2 of grey's anatomy, and yes, it is in hope that i might be able to accept what my health issues are trying to tell, rather IMPOSE on me. it was of great help, but then again, it wasn't guarantee enough.

last saturday, the big news was blown right in front of me and unfortunately, because of my nature, i cried in front of someone who tries her best (at least) to explain things to me and sympathizes with me saying she knew what i was going through. but she doesn't and maybe, she'll never know.

and then mom and dad comforts me by saying, "kaya natin 'to."

and there i was saying asking myself, kakayanin ko ba 'to?

it is at this moment that everything came as a flashback. is this a punishment for all my shortcomings in the past? or am i the most insincere person on the whole of earth to be having such health issues? or God is such so great... He's making me learn things again, THE HARD WAY.

and then there was Mon, who said that maybe God was singing to me, you'll be safe here.

and there was Gray, i am like Dorothy who discovered a new path and never wanting to go back but i know i must.

so here i am, in the middle of the dilemma of whether il just accept things as they were or continue that hope within me, that something can still be done.

i know myself well enough that eventually, il be able to accept this plight. but not yet, just not yet.

i want to cry and shout all the pains and anguish inside me. but everytime a tear is about to fall, they'll ask me to stop.

when things aren't easily accepted, they are like flood, as in baha. we try to evacuate and put to safe all our stuff so they wouldn't get wet and malfunction in the future. as human beings, we try to evade the issue and protect what can be so that we'll be okay soon. but it isn't like that, i want all of me to feel all the pain and i mean, ALL, not a single cell will be safe from it, so that when i let go and accept that which is hard to, ALL of ME would have become numb of it.

i just need a good cry and il be in the process of accepting and moving on.

promise.