'gotta figure this out'

there's this one song of erin mccarley that id love to hear every morning, when im prepping to leave for work. 

"I've never been so deep inside a shadow, I've never been so insecure of what I know"

there are things that i have to figure out, and i guess that's the same for everyone else, but really, how do you figure out something.

as for me, i do a lot of analyzing. 

playing chess during my younger years taught me a lot of 'thinking how your opponents think' and dancing to their tune without actually dancing it. 

watching a lot of films gave me the feel of being the third, outside person in a story where there are three versions of truth, the first side, the second side and the third, the one which really occured, free of biases or personal assumptions. 

producing for a 'target audience' in college made me analyze and to always, before anything else, put myself in the shoes of all who i know will reach whatever crap im doing. and to always answer the question, why do they need to know about this. 

i analyze and sometimes overthink. 

i figured out a lot of things in my life, years after they happened. because back then, i never had the courage to analyze and accept the ugly truth.

i have always wanted to be a doctor, but i know i will never be. because i am not made to be one. and now, looking back, had i been a doctor, id be a struggling to be good and probably unhappy. 

there's a bunch of things that i need to figure out, but maybe not today, maybe tomorrow or the next day or never. 

and quoting a line from mccarley's song again,

i want to make this right.